If you were to ever read this..
At this moment in time, we haven’t spoken for a long time. Whether this bothers you or not, I don’t know. I feel a bit bad cause you’ve contacted me twice or three times seeing if I was free and for us to hang out, and I was busy/declined all of them. It ended with it being that I would contact you when I’m free, and I haven’t.. If you ever wanted an explanation, and it hasn’t even been that long, this may help..
Since we broke up, we had time to ourselves, and then we became friends again. Often in that time of us being close again, I would have thoughts like “Am I really over this girl? Or do I just keep trying to tell myself that to try move on”. This then created thoughts of me wanting to give you another chance, another shot. To just one time when I’m with you, kiss you, and look at you and tell you how much I missed you and that feelings were growing and I wanted another shot. But I was never sure of my feelings. Along with that, there were many factors as to why I didn’t, and some of these include why I haven’t spoken to you for such a long time.
You broke my heart..Yes, I ended the relationship, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. Why do you think the day I did it I cried more than you did? A lot of shit happened in our relationship, a lot.. and in many aspects, I should have left you a lot earlier than what I did. I was always faithful, loyal, and good to you. The one period of time I’m not, was the downfall of the relationship, why? Cause I was over being the nice guy even though I would cop so much shit. Because of this, and from memory its pretty much based off a quote, its like.. why run back to something that once broke you, looking for a fix. A long with that, If I was to move on and move forward, you were my past.. I would of felt like I was just taking a step back. And if you were to fuck me over again, then I’d just feel like the most pathetic human being in the world. The things you did to me during the relationship, the fact that some of it you didn’t even tell me when we were going out, you only told me when we were friends again. That’s beyond fucked up man. From what you told me, you nearly cheated on me, multiple times. You claim you never went that far, but how can I be so sure? When, when we were dating, your story would change, and the fact that you only could tell me some things after the relationship had ended, how the fuck could I trust you? I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself and think about getting back with you.
A long with that, a big reason why I haven’t contacted you is because I’ve needed to let you go from my life.. I was never sure if I still properly loved you or not, I don’t think I did, but there was always something. And knowing I was having those thoughts coming in, I needed to do something about it. Either act on it, or walk away. So I chose to walk away. I’m sorry baby, but you had your chance. And you fucked me up. maybe I loved you too hard, but the way you went about things.. It was kind of an easy decision in the end. I will and am more than happy to still be there for you if you need me, and I do plan on at some point catching up with you soon. But for now, this is my explanation at 6:47am when I can’t sleep. I just needed space.. To gather myself again. Especially with all the shit that’s happened in my life this year, I’ve been in some dark places, and I just needed to get my shit together again. Cutting ties with you for a while was one of them.
I’m sorry, but this is just how it is…